But the very apex of my list of things I didn't need to know were some of the search terms that lead the net-surfing public to my humble little blog. With occasional blog titles such as Jew Skin Lampshade, In case you ever wondered what humans taste like and An Historical Compendium of Dick Jokes, some may argue that I brought this upon myself, but the fact remains that I was much, much happier before I logged on to Google Analytics.
The first few entries are misleadingly vanilla. For example, Jim and the Indians comes in with a healthy 121 searches this year. Variations of What not to name your kids and Vengeance is Mine Inc. total up to several hundred each. And then it starts getting more abstract.
Bitches
People must love us bitches cause over 300 individual search terms featured the word. Most were prosaically along the lines of bitch girl names, clever bitches or hot bitches take it up the (name your orifice) but some solo-handed surfers out there managed to go one better.
My favorite, terrifying search terms including the word bitch were fortunately limited to one search each, and include;
- Can you name your kid 'bitch'?
My response: "no".
- LBJ was a jew bitch
I wanted to put this in the next section but the "bitch" part seemed rather more operative than the "Jew" part.
- Zeus was a bitch
Totally agreed.
AND THE WINNER:
- 5pm is bitch raping time
Actually, this came up four times. I'm terrified.
Porn
Most readers will not be surprised to hear that this simple concept was elaborated in nearly 500 different search terms, most also including the words bitch, secret or nasty. And then there were some other somewhat inexplicable keywords, including:
- clever porn
This came up almost 50 times. Can someone please explain what makes porn clever?
- vengeance is mine porn
Did Roald Dahl sign off on this script?
AND THE WINNER:
- Admit it bitch, you were porn
I have no idea what this is meant to mean.
Tattoos and Jews
It seems that, despite my mother's horrified reaction to the idea, there are many sick individuals out there who have also toyed with the idea of preserving their tattoos after death, as I discussed in my first-ever post Jew Skin Lampshade. Over 50 searches were based on variations of "preserve tattoo after death", but the true horror only becomes evident when you scroll down and discover that variations of Jewskin, and Jewskin lampshade were searched OVER 100 TIMES. In addition, some charming individuals searched terms including:
- Where can I buy Jew skin?
I wouldn't have guessed you could, except...
- Jew skin for sale
Now I'm officially horrified.
AND THE WINNER:
- How to skin a Jew
Honestly - is there somewhere you can report this sort of thing?
Historical sex
On a lighter note, some people just can't get enough of Zeus' sexual shenanigans. The exact term Zeus rape appeared 17 times, but variations on the phrase pushed searches into the hundreds. Some stunners on the topic included:
- Did Zeus rape Danae?
- Did Zeus rape Europa?
- Did Zeus rape his mother?
Yes, yes, and - sadly, yes.
- Ron Jeremy as Zeus?
I can't scrub my brain clean enough, I tell you.
AND THE WINNER:
- Beatrice's tits in Dante's inferno
Searched twice to lead to this blog, despite no references anywhere here to Beatrice's tits.
The taste of humans
Sounds like the grand taboo is no longer that taboo. 12 searches were run using humans taste like pork? as keywords, an equal number for pork taste like human, and dozens more referenced cannibalism, pork, crackling, firemen, William Seabrook and "long pigs".
AND THE WINNER:
- Rump girl meat cannibal
This was searched up to A DOZEN times - by someone sick, no doubt.
Tony Abbott
Dozens of people came across this site whilst searching for Tony at election time, mostly with keywords including misogynist, abortion, adoption, shocking and hypocrite. Yet it seems that Tony is never without his fans, and thus;
THE WINNER:
- Tony Abbott sexiest ioning board (sic)
As I previously pointed out, his abs would look great at Mardi Gras.
And then...
There are those keywords that defy any decent categorisation - or even an explanation of how they lead to this site, such as:
- Clever masturbation
Is there a "smart" or "dumb" way to rub your dick until jizz comes out, dude?
- receding hairline beer belly sexy
And then finally...
THE WINNER:
- live donkey show
Somewhere on this blog I must have mentioned one, or this search term wouldn't have lead you here. I'm sorry... really.
