Monday, August 16, 2010

An Historical Compendium of Dick Jokes

Clever Bitch is up to her elbows in her Masters thesis, so it seems like time for something light. It's hard to get lighter than dick jokes, so here is a collection of stunners from the last couple thousand years.

Yes, they really do go back that far.

Martial (circa 38 - 104 AD)

When you hear clapping in the baths,

You know some moron with a giant dick has arrived.

Juvenal (circa 100 AD)

When you've run out of luck, it doesn't matter how long your dick is.

Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519)

This little treasure was found scrawled in the margins of one of da Vinci's notebooks:

A woman was washing her clothes, and her feet were very red with cold. A priest who was passing by asked her in amazement, whence came the redness and the woman replied at once that it was the result of the fire she had burning below. Then the priest seized that part on his being that was responsible for his being a priest and not a nun, and drawing close to her, with a sweet and soft voice, begged her to be so kind as to light his candle for him.

William Shakespeare (Twelfth Night, 1601-1602)

Fool: Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage. (Hahah, geddit?)

William Shakespeare (Anthony and Cleopatra, circa 1603-1607)

Iras: Am I not an inch of fortune better than she?

Charmian: Well, if you were but an inch of fortune better than I, where would you choose it?

Iras: Not in my husband's nose.

(Translation: in his fucking pants.)

Mae West (1936)

To a Los Angeles police officer who was to escort her:

Is that a pistol in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

"Alexander DeLarge" (
A Clockwork Orange, 1971)

To an attractive girl, sucking on a popsicle:

Bit cold and pointless isn't it, my lovely?

Robin Williams (1951 - present)

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

Amen, brother.

Please add your own!