Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Secret Porn

It was maybe a month after separating from my ex-husband that I stumbled across his secret pornography stash. Since my solitary return from a visit to Ex-Husband's hometown and family, I had been rattling around in a house filled with memories. I had gone so far as to take down our wedding photograph from the mantelpiece, and to stash my wedding ring out of sight, but eventually I sought closure and determined to pack away his clothes, his books, his general flotsam and jetsam. To get them out of sight, and maybe out of mind. And then, halfway through the bureau, underneath a stack of shirts, I found The Stash.

As far as pornography stashes go, it wasn't a big one. Maybe a dozen DVDs, no magazines. But the DVDs themselves... suffice to say that sample titles included CumDripperz and Meat Holes. The back covers variously promised "the best ass-pounding anal-action!", "rim-jobs!", "chicks choking on huge dicks!" and more.

A thousand questions began to formulate in my mind. Where had he gotten these? When had he been watching them? How could he have been aroused by such degrading images and misogynistic titles? I was weakly outraged - too shocked and hurt to really process the reality that the man I had married had apparently been jerking-off in secret to images of women being pounded and choked to within an inch of their ability to breathe.

Several days later, when he called about having his things shipped, I coldly intoned that I had found The Stash. Trying to keep my voice level, I asked if he had any explanation for why he had brought such hateful material into my house.

"Well, yeah," he laughed in high merriment. "I'm a bloke!"

Ah yes, that old chestnut. Men are men, and women are women, and never the twain shall meet. My distaste at his conduct was to be laughed off - a woman couldn't understand the kinds of sexual frustration that men apparently endure, or his means of addressing them. She has no right to judge a man's sexual tastes, even if she is having sex with him.

A lot of things fell into place. I remembered how Ex-Husband had degraded me as a "stupid c---", how he had sometimes been violent towards me and destructive of our possessions. I remembered how he revered his alcoholic, absent father, but consistently denigrated his mother, who had raised him on her own. I remember doing most or all of the housework, even when he was unemployed (which was often). But somehow, the porn hurt worst of all.
Ex-husband had given himself a carte blanche to watch women in a situation which was at best degrading, and at worst bordering upon violent, without the need to question his motives.

In the years since that day, I have increasingly wondered how many men feel a similar way. I am lucky enough to have found a Clever Partner who largely finds pornography to be unsettling rather than arousing, and to have friends who share my viewpoint that watching misogynistic pornography (as opposed to "couples porn") is a sign of bad taste, under-developed sexuality and latent or overt disrespect towards women. However, other friends claim that films like Meat Holes are a bit of a laugh, and that men can watch them without taking on negative attitudes about women. Women, they claim, will have to learn to take it less seriously and accept that their partners will watch it.

I, for one, won't be accepting that. I find it very difficult to believe that a man could simultaneously enjoy a film depicting female orifices as Cum-Dripping Meat Holes and respect me as a sexual partner.

Is it a man's right to watch porn?
Is it a woman's right to be angry if he does?
Does watching pornography imply a man's disrespect for women?

40 comments:

  1. Its like having that extra bikkie and knowing you won't lose weight as you promisedyourself.There's no great harm there if you do it once - or twice- but continue and you've got a nasty little habit. That's probably hte best description for porn too,at least for most people/men because there are the tragic individuals for whom that appears to be the closest available "human" contact.
    Disrespect? For women? Maybe but maybe more for the watcher than for the women in his? life. It may say more about the society in which we live than any particular person. Should women get angry -well some women like it. Why is another matter.
    I agree with long winded (well described clever lawyer) that society is a voluntary association and so if both parties to a relationship freely agree then maybe porn is ok but I suggest that what is hurtful to Clever Bitch is mostly the breach of trust which shows the underlying failure of the relationship.

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  2. I think that what you're saying hold much truth. After all, it was the infamous Ted Bundy that pointed the finger at pornography as the cause of his deranged sexual fantasies, particularly violent porn. Of course, it was a great excuse for Bundy, but i firmly believe that it holds many truths, and your Ex-husband definately had some mother issues - typical of psychopathic women killers.

    ie. in his final interview he said:

    "Before we go any further, it is important to me that people believe what I’m saying. I’m not blaming pornography. I’m not saying it caused me to go out and do certain things. I take full responsibility for all the things that I’ve done. That’s not the question here. The issue is how this kind of literature contributed and helped mold and shape the kinds of violent behavior."

    "In the beginning, it fuels this kind of thought process. Then, at a certain time, it is instrumental in crystallizing it, making it into something that is almost a separate entity inside."

    I am happy to enjoy a bit of Brianna Banks now and then, but nothing that's disgusting and degrading.

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  3. But here we must debate. Was ted bundy already twisted to a large extent and watch violent porn to satisfy just that were already there, or was he just slightly warped and the porn serve as the cause of entangling him further towards the dark side?
    I do not see an inherent link with porn and violent/antisocial behaviour. But doesnt porn in a general sense only appeal to our lusts, or even our desires which ultimatly must be satisfied?
    Porns alright. Your husband was not so good. Lets not get ahead of ourselves here!

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  4. Fap fap fap :)

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  5. I so agree. This is a really good piece of writing.
    So good, in fact, that I have nothing at all to add. Well said.

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  6. You think your "clever partner" doesn't watch the exact same shit? Hmmm. What Satya has written is interesting. However, historically sex, violent, degrading sex, and forms of pornography have always been there - but not just so easibly (perhaps to the point of ease for the public?)accessable. This is perhaps where the issue lies. Look at ancient Greece, Rome, and China - it was a part of their culture. If it has spanned the ages is it then not something that is "wrong" as so much something that is, possibly, a part of the intrinsic nature of man. And i say man meaning men. However, it does take two to tango.

    Futhermore - of course it is a mans right to watch pornography as much as it is the right of someone to own a nice car, eat tasty food - it is (the downfall?) of people that their senses and desires lead them to "do wrong". This, in my opinion, is not a lack of respect but a lack of self-understanding and hence the constant want for more. Often that more will only ever be a fantasy - in this case DVDs. Women or the partner has the right to be angry - only if it is hidden, which in this case it was. Besides that there is no breach of trust - just an unfortunate lack of communication.

    The problem is - where do we draw the line? What is disgusting and degrasding for one is maybe the norm for another. 60 years ago you show a nipple on TV the shit would have hit the fan. Then again the same could be said for a black man in those days. People and what they accept evolve - especially with the information highway available to us.

    It can be reduced to the question of: is sex wrong? should doggy style be banned beacause of the lack of respect it shows to the fuckee? This is unsolvable issue.

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  7. This is an interesting topic but an absolutely terrible, over-exagerated and probably untrue story. I guess that is what one would expect from a notorious bullshitter. Having said that - Satya - have you ever watched a BB movie. She chokes on cock like her life depended on it and takes on multiple guys in all three holes.

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  8. Anonymous at 10.35 - The story is true, I assure you. I'm not sure where you arrived at the conclusion that I'm a bullshitter... but I have to admit I'm kind of flattered that you think me notorious.

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  9. To Anonymous at 10:35, I happen to like some porn thank you very much and have no quams, but getting heated over 'gang bang be 7,' or 'chicks who love two cocks,' is a bit distasteful and frankly a turn off.

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  10. Well there you go. They are out there everywhere, but thankfully not in the majority. Yet another holder of the key to the bible of eternal wisdom on matters relating to why men do what they do and why some women are so righteous,and how to fix it. You must have been the controller of what little 'loving' there was in your last relationship/marriage. The less love you doled out the stronger the message you sent to your husband/man friend/whatever of how the rules must be complied with, strictly on your terms. Quite simply, you witheld your love, sent out wrong messages, ridiculed, embarressed, you changed your mind, you wanted to return the goods after buying & tasting the wine but lost the receipt. You must be a terribly difficult woman to please, both emotionally & physically. You will get worse as you age and become lonely, bitter and rejected by both men & women. If your ex is such a horrible nasty piece of work why did you marry him? Were not all of those horrible characteristics evident when you were in love? No? Was he perfect then? You weren't really in love?? - it was something else? The flu? If not what made him change into such a beast? Look towards yourself, if you can!!! Take note - your current man (if he is a real one) will eventually discover the real you when you turn on & off your emotional & physical switch and your love supply. Oh, don't forget, when your hormones take over and you turn even nastier in your men-o-pause(just wait for that fun - you deserve it). You will either dump/divorce him and take him to the cleaners, or he will tire of your dictates & attitude and ditto you. A life alone for you. Great. Yay. You really do deserve a life of misery. The porn is just a distraction for some underlying problem of your making. Clever bitch??? Oh yeah. Too clever for your own good and any real long term partner. Get help. Good luck girlfriend.

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  11. Thanks for the heads-up on menopause, but I'm in my mid twenties. My ex-husband and I had no assets to split so nobody took anybody to the cleaners, and sorry, but the long-term partner thing is working out fine. You sound pretty angry. Any chance your wife left you?

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  12. I asked if he had any explanation for why he had brought such hateful material into my house.

    Hateful? I reread your post looking for evidence of violent, degrading and hateful material. There is none, just a preconceived, naive notion of pornography.

    Clearly you didn't even view the material before passing judgement, instead relying upon the titles alone!?

    Thus your complaint is without credibility.

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  13. Be honest. Is it really the fact that the porn he was watching was violent that got to you?

    If so his fantasies weren't the problem - the fact that he was violent in his real life with you should be the bigger issue. Whether the two were linked doesn't matter since the real and not imagined or fantasied violence was plainly there for you to see from the beginning.

    If it wasn't the violence that bothered you but the "betrayal", how would you feel about a man telling you you weren't allowed to read steamy novels? I bet you'd be up in arms about how controlling and manipulative the man was.

    Porn is not a problem when it's just a fantasy. When your bloke tries to live out aspects of the fantasy, THAT is the problem. When your husband is violent or abusive, THAT is the problem. Porn might be one of many excuses.

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  14. Perhaps you ought to change the name of your blog. Staying with an abusive man, then when you finally dump him feeling hurt that the bloke watches porn. Not so clever.

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  15. Well I 'see' your "Secret Porn' post and 'raise' you a.....

    http://blogs.news.com.au/bossy/index.php/news/comments/why_are_todays_young_women_such_a_waste_of_space/

    What a complete load of trollup... you see what you want to see and twist a new meaning into every nuance of anything that was done bad to you. What a bad bad man he was... and you must have been oh so good good good. Ha! What a princess.

    From Brett H of Melbourne

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  16. Men and women have strong desires not always satisfied in a normal but imperfect relationship.

    Thats why men use sex porn and women use emotional porn (mills and boon etc)

    These primal hard to satisfy biological desires (men to spread much seed - women to seek security to raise children) have been developed as species survival mechanisms over millions of years and arent readily able to be switched off in monkey brains or put on hold to fit in with current societies "monagmous relationship" trend.

    Your new man is using porn too, its just you havent found out yet.

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  17. Anonymous at 10:53 - I'm just curious to know what redeeming features you expect I would have found in the actual videos. I find your inability to see how the titles themselves were degrading naive in the extreme. My "preconceived" notion may have sprung from the clear implication that women were literally holes to be pounded, choked and left dripping for your viewing pleasure.

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  18. Agree with you that most of it is degrading to women and doesn't encourage healthy attitudes, particularly in guys who aren't yet mature. However - married with two kids - wife who experiences severe discomfort during sex since second childbirth - libido as strong as it was when I was your age - what's worse, watching porn or chasing real skirt?

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  19. The thing is if you have a problem with Porn, then it's a problem in the relationship. Doesn't matter what I think about it. However, you should be aware that 99% of guys have some sort of porn collection (and the other 1% is in the process of obtaining it) As for the mysoginous porn listed in your blog, not my cup of tea but is there any difference between this porn and say S&M? Its all Dominance Porn. (where the guy is dominating the woman). Doesn't mean he hates women, only that he likes to watch women dominated sexually (which some women enjoy with a loving partner)

    The broader point is why women don't like their partners watching porn. I think that it is because they believe that sex (both physical and mental) should only be with their partners. They see their guy watching porn and think its a betrayal. However, fantasies are a normal part of the mind. Women dream about Brad Pitt/Zak Efron/(insert fantasy here) and no doubt construct imaginary scenerios of how they might end up bonking him. Guys generally lack that level of imagination and hence need the stories/scenerios laid out in visual form. Hence why we watch porn.
    But don't worry about us too much..most guys will choose real sex over the virtual kind any day of the week. If they are chosing porn over you, the porn is only the symptom, not the problem.

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  20. Anonymous at 10.03 - you raise a really interesting point. I'd like to reiterate that not all porn is the same, and not all of it is as explicitly degrading as the examples I've mentioned. There is plenty of porn out there which doesn't relegate women to orifice status. However, you'd probably agree that your wife wouldn't be too pleased with you if you were watching something entitled "Meat Holes".

    Yoda - I have no problem with a partner of mine having a sexual fantasy life, with me or anyone else. The problem is when the fantasy life becomes vicious and degrading - I don't want to share a bed with someone who is turned on by that kind of thing. And don't you think you might be short-selling your gender a bit when you claim that men lack the ability to imagine sex without it laid out for them in visual form?

    Thanks for posting.

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  21. You are right CB.

    When I saw you link on Sam blog I knew you’d get all sort of porn industry defenders & misogynists linking over to put you back in your place. How dare you be hurt and offended that your ex got off on seeing women abused! Apparently it is socially acceptable to have an industry based around degrading women and anyone that expresses a problems with it is frigid, a bitch, blah blah balh …..fill in the same old same ol boring shaming abuse.

    Glad you made the smart choice and got away and now have a relationship with a decent man.

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  22. In and of itself the porn shouldn't be an issue - even with titles you find abhorrent (without necessarily being abhorrent).
    But as someone else pointed out I bet you were dictating when, where, how often sex occurred between you. Did you try to understand his needs or did you treat those as being subject to your own notion of how often etc?
    You expected him to do things to help in the relationship yet got upset when he didn't - its just your perspective as to what was important eg housework versus his ie sex.
    He has used a form of escape you don't agree with but pretty certain he would say he disagreed with your "limitations" on sex.
    All I am trying to point out is that his porn was not damaging but possibly helped him not get frustrated with you.

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  23. Also please remember you assume by the title that these were degrading to women - not necessarily true.
    If you had watched and then came to that conclusion I would be less harsh in my response. But it appears you have made a snap judgement on this without firm basis - makes me wonder how often in your relationship you did the same on other issues.

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  24. @1.59 - Thanks for the heads up!

    @3.40 - You might "bet" that it was me "dictating" where/when/how sex occurred - but you'd be wrong. Your post sounds like a hangover from a previous discussion on Bettina Arndt and sex-strikes in Sam de Brito's blog.

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  25. I have been through a very similar situation. I completely understand your last few lines. When I discovered my husbands porn stash I was gutted. I watched some of it and felt humiliated. He'd never told me... in fact it turned out that he was addicted (God, I never knew such a thing existed before). He'd requested some of the things I saw in his stash then called me cold and frigid when I refused. My situation is different because he had performance issues. He refused to seek help for them AND blamed them on me. Looking back I was so stupid to believe that his inabilities in the sack were because of me. He used to tell me 'if you were just more sexual...' I feel sick now when I think of that. I've never had any problems in the bedroom before him and I doubt i will have many in the future.

    The sad thing is that ultimately men who watch way to much porn have problems themselves. In his case it was mummy issues (no surprise there) but I suppose it could be anything. Watching heaps of porn does mess with anyones head. I think that the key is moderation and honesty with your partner. This whole experience has left me a biased view of porn, I know that. It has also left me jaded and hurt, but I hope that ultimately I will meet someone else. I just hope that person is honest with me.

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  26. @7.01 - Thankyou so much for sharing your story. I hope you find the honest and caring partner that you deserve. I know it sounds trite, but don't let your ex mess up your outlook - love can and will happen again.

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  27. Sorry to hear you got stuck with such a loser. As far as porn goes I summarise it like this:

    How many times have you ever seen a genuine female orgasm in mainstream porn? What percentage of movies? Why is it so low?

    For me I think it is about 0.1% of movies that I have seen. You could argue that some of the girls do but then why not make as big a deal out of it as they do the guys "money shot"? Answer - they don't care. Oh and that "nasty" look most girls seem to have in the movies is because they are in pain, not because they are liking it.

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  28. i thought it was just as bad when i found my wife's collection of sex in the city DVDs...

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  29. People. First things. Images obsess us because they make our thoughts real. Violence. Porn. CNN. Youtube. Movie Stars.

    Whether we accept it or not they do affect us. Otherwise one could never get lost in a movie. Same with fantasy. It allows us legally, though immorally, to explore those portions of ourselves that society prohibits. Highland New Guineans thought cannabilism was fine dining, yet we are biblically/victorically repulsed by it.

    These fantasies allow us to explore our true natures, our primitive portions, our creatures of the ID (Forbidden Planet). It does not mean that we have to become the monsters that we see. But through this dark mirror we recognise ourselves, and that makes us better people. But as Nietzsche wrote 'when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares into you.'

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  30. holy crap. What a bunch of twaddle. The thing that never ceases to amaze me is that when women find the "stash" it's all about them and how it relates to them.

    It's simple, it doesn't.

    If a man wanted to see you choking on his dick while he was dominating you and was inclined to do it in a non consenting manner, guess what you would find happening that night in bed?

    Regardless of any of his other faults, your ex wasn't the kind of guy to enforce this kind of domination on you, or are you not telling us something?

    It's just a fantasy. Get over it. If he starts forcing this stuff on you, then it's a real issue and he needs to have his tackle removed so he can't inflict that kind of thing on anyone else.

    As long as fantasies stay just that, and the people performing them for your viewing pleasure are consenting adults, I don't see where the problem lies. When fantasies bleed over into your real life, well, that's a problem but a completely different issue.

    A person who is capable of enforcing his sexual will on someone is capable of doing it regardless of whether he views porn or not. At WORST porn may give him a couple of ideas. If it is not in someone to behave like that, then they aren't going to do it. Porn isn't the problem, it doesn't even exacerbate, it's a persons mind, attitudes and beliefs that are the problem and these are all formed long before they get their hands on any serious "degrading" porn. These attitudes of respect etc are formed during childhood and upbringing.

    Blame their environment for their shortcomings. Blame their parents for nuturing them incorrectly. Don't blame some moving images. It's the person that acts, not the video.

    Just realise this: Porn isn't about you

    If that's cheating to you, that's another issue but don't blame the porn.

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  31. You're kind of a douchebag "anonymous".

    In the meantime you were right to divorce that pervert - I hope he gets run over.

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  32. "Men and women have strong desires not always satisfied in a normal but imperfect relationship.

    Thats why men use sex porn and women use emotional porn (mills and boon etc)

    These primal hard to satisfy biological desires (men to spread much seed - women to seek security to raise children) have been developed as species survival mechanisms over millions of years and arent readily able to be switched off in monkey brains or put on hold to fit in with current societies "monagmous relationship" trend.

    Your new man is using porn too, its just you havent found out yet."

    This is such bullshit! I'm so damn sick of men using the "biology" excuse to watch pornography - and by the way, I think the "monogamy trend" has been going on for thousands of years. If you don't like it, don't make a lifelong fucking commitment to one person and then turn around to justify perversity and cheating as "okay because evolution says so". Just don't get married, hypocrite.

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  33. Sandra ...It seems that you view pornography as a form of cheating. Just because a man does not include you in all of his mental and physical sex life does not count. Don't you think it is a bit controlling to want to be a part all his sexual thoughts and desires? Insecure much?

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  34. Agree that most woman see their partner viewing porn as "the way it affects me". Their view is PC endorsed but very much "How I Feel". There are some very basic differences between most women and most men.. Women seem shocked, dismayed, hurt to find this is the case in their relationship..

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  35. As always many women just can't seem to get over the fact that, for men, sex does not = love.

    This is why we can watch some silicone enhanced blonde take on some dude swinging 12" and not have it relate to you (our significant other) in any way, shape or form. 'The Stash' is about sex, our partners are about love/emotion (heh and a good dose of sex, these two things do mix, they just don't have to). For men these two things can be very different.

    The sooner women can stop being so self-centred and neurotic about the whole issue the happier everyone will be.

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  36. Firt ans.no,2.yes.3.meybe it depens on the on the content of the video,porn most as to be outlaw,it mentelly posening for men.i know i am a male.

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  37. I like your style may want to drop into www.stilloldandfeisty.blogspot.com

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  38. I'm a girl in a loving relationship, but since I can ever remember I've fantasised about being forced to fuck, being used, abused and worse... Do I want this to happen in real life? Only when I'm masturbating, and then as soon as I finish I don't! Does it turn me on to watch porn tat features this kind of thing? Oh my fucking god yes. Do I find that most guys I sleep with aren't actually that into degrading women in bed, even if they beg to be degraded? Yup...

    But how dare anyone, male or female, on this or any other forum tell me that I'm weird, or perverted, or abnormal. I'm just me, and I've found certain things attractives and arousing since my earliest sexual feelings.

    It seems like all the common sense and conciliatry statements on this blog are emanating from the men, and the bitter, judgemental and narrow-minded views belong to the women. Meat Holes? I suspect I'd love to watch it... and I'm a 32 year old woman with 2 degrees and a very prestigious job. Sue me!!!

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  39. The real travesty here is your controlling possessiveness regarding his personal human right to explore and enjoy his sexual nature. It must have been terrible for him to have to hide his stash to keep from being judged by you. And how awful that you missed so much sexual openness and exploration with a partner. And yes, I am a woman.

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