Thursday, March 25, 2010

5 Ways That Zeus Raped His Way To Glory


History is filthy. And when I say filthy, I don't mean bootleg porno filthy. I'm talking full-scale filthy - somewhere between a live donkey show and a snuff film. In tribute to the sexual sins of our fathers and erstwhile gods, here are the five most innovative ways that Zeus ever used a fantastic disguise for the purposes of stranger rape.


5. The chick.


The victim: Callisto.


The ruse: The virginal Callisto was a follower of the goddess Artemis, so it was a simple enough matter for Zeus disguise himself as Artemis in order to lure Callisto into the woods and rape her.


The progeny: Arcas, king of Arcadia.


Oh, and... When Artemis found out that her supposedly virgin follower was pregnant, she turned Callisto into a bear and set her loose in the forest, where she gave birth (as a fucking BEAR) to Arcas. In the conventional wisdom of the Gods of the day, Zeus hid baby Arcas away and never bothered to tell him who his mother was. Again, typical of these motherfucking stories, Arcas goes hunting one day and actually shoots his bear-mother dead.


4. The long-lost husband.


The victim: Alcmene.


The ruse: At first, Zeus actually had the balls to approach the married Alcmene in person - and she actually had the balls to refuse him - but that's ok, cause Zeus had a Plan B. Alcmene's husband (and cousin) was away at war, and all Zeus had to do was to stage a passionate reunion, starring himself as Ron Jeremy's stand-in.


The progeny: Heracles (Hercules) - the greatest condom-full-of-walnuts in history.


Oh, and... We forgot to mention that Zeus just pulled out his time-turner and turned the night he was with Alcmene into three entire days. If Alcmene thought the Gods couldn't screw her any more than that, then check this out:


- Her husband swore against ever having sex with her again, out of respect to Zeus, who is clearly the Most Persuasive Rapist Of All Time.


- Zeus' wife Hera was so jealous that she sent a bitch goddess to intervene and stop Heracles from being born. Alcmene was in labour for seven entire days before finally tricking the Gods into leaving her the fuck alone.

Again, it just sucks to be a woman in Ancient Greece.


3. The bull (or was it an eagle)?


The victim: Europa


The ruse: There are two equally screwed up version of this story. According to Robert Graves, Zeus became enamoured of Europa, "became an eagle and ravished (her) in a willow-thicket". Or, if you prefer Ovid's version, Zeus rocked up as a white bull, which she trusted enough to "mount its back" - and get carried off and raped. Perhaps the most frightening inherent aspect of these accounts is how any historical sources could have possibly confused an eagle with a fucking bull.


The progeny: Minos, Rhadamanthys and Sarpedon, who all went on to become Kings.


Oh, and... Zeus named Europe after Europa in the world's most pathetic attempt at making up for getting raped by a bull.


2. The Swan.


The victim: Leda


The ruse: An oldie but a goodie - why not just try showing up and having sex with a defenceless woman at a waterhole - dressed as a giant swan? Good idea? Great idea.


The progeny: Helen - who later became Helen of Troy. Also the twins Castor and Polydeuces, who later became the sign Gemini.


Oh, and... Did we mention that the children hatched out of eggs?


1. The golden shower.


The victim: Danae.


The ruse: Danae's father Ascrisius lacked an heir, and loved consulting random hacks dressed up as Oracles. Naturally, one of them handed him the type of beautifully self-fulfilling prophecy that we've come to expect from Ancient Greece- namely, that his daughter would give birth to a son who would grow up to slaughter him. The most obvious available solution was to shut the virgin Danae in a tall tower only accessible from a trapdoor in the ceiling.


Zeus, being the classy fella that he is, decided he was tired of appearing as a giant bird and went to Plan B - which happened to be falling as a "shower of golden rain". Which, we assume, is just a euphemism for "pissed all over her".


The progeny: Perseus, who tamed Pegasus, defeated the Gorgon, saved a princess and managed to look hot in a tunic in modern film adaptations.


Oh, and... Proving that effective parenting comes naturally, Ascrisius cast Danae and the newborn Perseus into the sea in a sealed casket. Unfortunately for Ascrisius, they washed up onto another island, where Perseus was raised in blissful ignorance of his connection to his homeland. Sure enough, he returned as an adult to kill his asshole grandfather - proving yet again that consulting an Oracle is a fucking stupid thing to do.

21 comments:

  1. Hilarious! I'm doing research on Zeus raping women for a painting lol and I came across this. It made me giggle, because seriously... it is all kinds of fucked up. ;)

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  2. Great stuff, CB. Those Ancient Greek ladies sure did do it tough, didn't they?

    These days, a woman concerned about stranger rape might carry a selection of pepper sprays, noise makers, drug test kits for drinks and maybe a low level weapon like a taser or a knife.
    All of this fits nicely into a handbag.

    Now imagine an Ancient Greek woman trying to put together a rape prevention kit. She'd need an umbrella, a shotgun loaded with birdshot, a full-time matador following her around and access to the sort of DNA testing lab that only exists in TV shows.

    All that and it would only protect her from that Wile.E Coyote of the sex offender world, Zeus.
    One can't even imagine the paraphernalia that might be required to ward off the attentions of Ares, Hades, Apollo et al.

    Seriously, with these metaphysical creeps running around, this has got to be how the Island of Lesbos got started.

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  3. I was writing a paper for my Greek Mythology class about the role of women in myths. I stumbled upon this & absolutely loved it. The info is right on too ;]

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  4. im writing a script for an assignment called "zeus is lose" we have to come up with some kind of talk show about zeus and his ammorous ways....i loved this, it gave me the best ideas for my assignment and my presentation is going to be hilarious and completely true. thanks for the help and dont stop writing...ever :)

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  5. You are like, a godess. But watch out, becayse he rapes them too.

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  6. eh-eh!BIATCH!!!1

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  7. #swag dis shit is real!! cracked me up good!

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  8. Thank you. Son and I were research Zeus' outrageous behavior. Great information!

    I look forward to reading the rest of your blog.

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  9. I love it! It's all true and it's hilarious to read! Great job

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  10. Wrong beyond belief really. Doing a report on Apollo, I realize where he got it from. -_-... Anyway, the Greeks found rape romantic. So... Yeah, Athena went to her brother for weapons and he attempted to rape her.

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  11. I know feminists get off on uncovering the roots of Western phallogocentrism, but let's not forget that the best of Hellenistic antiquity (Plato, Plotinus, Proclus, etc) understood these myths of rape (as well as violent myths) in strictly metaphysical terms.

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  12. Zeus is a fucking son of bitch, he should go strait to tartarus!!!

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  13. I agree with you is as god he should have more respect for women .

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  14. Love love love this post!

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  15. I thought the whole appearing to her as a "shower of golden rain" meant he appeared to her as a rain of gold coins.

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  16. haha this is hilarious

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  17. Oh wow, Zeus.. this is what I find while derping around on the internet hahahhahahaa this is hilarios

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    1. This info is all correct for any one who reads this.��

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  18. I read Greek mythology in high school and named my youngest son Zeus. I thought it was a nice unique powerful name. It wasn't until a couple years ago I learned I named my son after a prolific rapist....he won't find out for a while lol

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  19. Love the sass and details, this was hilarious (and awful) - thanks so much!

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