Tuesday, May 4, 2010

5 Awesome Fails by Kill Bill characters

5. Johnny Mo and The Crazy 88

It would seem that Johnny Mo was holding down that security thing pretty well down when The Bride showed up to demonstrate some human topiary techniques. You'd have to, right? I mean, after all, you're protecting the head of the Yakuza here. So let's run through a brief list of strategic assets, shall we?

Army of highly mobile, motorcycle-riding henchmen armed with razor-sharp katanas? Check.

A personal entourage for the Boss, comprising a few top assassins and a personal bodyguard - all armed with razor-sharp katanas? Check.

The Boss herself armed to the teeth with a razor-sharp katana? Check and Check.

Even ONE individual who carries, say, a gun? Or any other kind of weapon which can be used on a person who isn't close enough to hack you to death with a razor sharp katana?



Incidentally, Wikipedia states that the eventual casualties that The Bride inflicts upon the Crazy 88 stand at "67 killed, 12 maimed, 1 killed by an axe thrown by somebody else, 1 possible killed, and 1 spanked". Seems like a bit of forward-thinking and a well-placed bullet could have ended this battle before it started.

4. Gogo Yubari


The item that the fetching Miss Yubari is holding in her hand is an ancient Chinese weapon known as a Meteor Hammer (which I guess is slightly more subtle than the more obvious Fuck-Christ-Please-Don't-Hurt-Me-Ball), which she uses to beat the living crap out of The Bride at the House of Blue Leaves. She does such a good job of it that she almost actually beats The Bride, landing two hefty shots straight to the chest before good Ol' Beatrix knows what hit her.

So why the epic fail? Perhaps something to do with the freaking retractable blades that she doesn't bother to activate on the Meteor Ball until after she has landed what could have been not one but two perfectly lethal blows. Seriously, watch this scene again. Gogo could have annihilated The Bride before a single drop of Deadly Viper blood was spilled - but it totally looked like more fun to mess around with that skilled assassin for a while before getting too serious with her ass. Her decision to give The Bride a couple of practice swings to get used to avoiding the Meteor Hammer seems just depressingly... adolescent, coming from a chick who disembowels losers in bars to have a good time.

3. Budd

Oh, Budd - you were so close. The only character in the franchise, actually, who overcame The Bride single-handed. You even had her tied up in a goddamned coffin - and yet you still managed to balls it up. Too polite to mace the lady before you stick her in the coffin, too cheap to buy a coffin made of anything sturdier than plywood, too thick to search The Bride for any weapons or lighters before burying her alive, Budd really ticks all the boxes in terms of stupidity when dealing with the world's most deadly female assassin.

The only thing that mitigates this epic fail is that even if Budd had succeeded to kill The Bride, he still would have died courtesy of several Black Mamba bites to the face.

2. Elle Driver


Elle might have a better shot of survival if that syringe contained, shall we say, a dose of Black Mamba anti-venom. Fans will remember that she employed this fanged beastie as a means to dispatch Budd, using a slightly more sophisticated version of the "snake-in-a-can" trick, known as the "snake-in-a-case-full-of-money" trick. But with a real snake.

Steve Irwin could have told this woman that there's no use in getting cosy with serpents unless you carry some anti-venom for insurance. You know, in case it all goes wrong and you end up blinded in a trailer containing a pissed-off Black Mamba, in the middle of the fucking desert. Or, for the sake of argument, impaled on a sting-ray.

1. The Police

First, please note the organised police response to crisis depicted in the above photograph. Now, please note the complete lack of any images like this in either of the Kill Bill films. Sure - we do get this guy:

Who looks about as helpful as if he's drowning in a barrel of titties. But that's still a whole lot better than the police response in Tokyo. Careful examination (read: drunken re-watching) of Kill Bill Volume I yields no evidence whatsoever of a police response to the massacre at the House of Blue Leaves. Sure, you say, they probably didn't show up cause they were too afraid of all those Yakuzas running around, right?

Well, not really. All those Yakuzas were dead, or crawling away dragging their bloodied stumps in a way that doesn't exactly scream subtlety. And yet, as the carnage rages on and terrified bystanders flee the premises, The Bride manages to not only kill the entire Crazy 88 and their mistress, but actually has time to cool her heels and reflect on what she's done.


In short, the police say that the Tokyo crime syndicate problem can go fuck itself.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Your-Bro-In-LowMay 4, 2010 at 9:39 PM

    Hmm...too many flaws in your KB post. Further analysis is required:

    5. Johnny Mo and the Crazy 88: First and foremost this is Tarantino's bow to the Samurai and Hong Kong Cinema of the the last 40-50 years. A homage to the such films as Lone Wolf and Cub and The Killer. It is important that you realise the vital truths of this genre of film: (a) good guy (in this case girl) never dies, (b) bad guys are plentiful, useless in combat, and always ALWAYS have inferior weapons. In fact i don't think there is a mention of the quality of their swords but there is most certainly a mention of hers - much respect to hattori hanzo / sonny chiba. Secondly the yakuza "boss" - from day one this girl was destined to die - a half breed boss! Sheeeeeeet i don't think so. It is quite obvious that none of the Crazy 88 nor Johnny Mo had the true Samurai spirit (samurai means "to serve") they were all too happy to die for a cause they didn't believe in. Thirdly, a gun? Clever bitch are you crazy? This was not a gun toatin' world but one of honor and respect among warriors. You speak as if a gun is superior to a sword - an obvious novice mistake.

    4.Gogo: This is another simple truth of the Asian cinema - must have weird looking over the top somewhat sexy school girl with reasonable skills and nasty weapon - who must die. This is like the underboss of the first level of a video game. True Gogo should have spent more time in school and learned to wield that lovely weapon more proficiently. Yes she failed, but, that was her one and only purpose in the movie. She's a taster.

    3. Budd: I'm going to report this blog as abuse for even mentioning Michael Madsen as any part of a contributing factor to a "fail". I shouldn't have to defend the man - he seeps "cool" from every fuckin pore on his body. But here it is: he's a washed-up warrior, a rusty nail. Unpolished. But actually he did most things right, just not "right": he salted the bitch and buried her. He did it with a drunken classiness that only he could. What he didn't count on was the training. Again - destined to die. tarantino's mistake is that he should have made him a blind washed up warrior to ensure he fulfilled the cliche. Having said all that i somewhat agree with you and would have been most satisfied if the movie ended there with her death and his triumph.

    2. Elle Driver: Steve Irwin couldn't have told her shit. He's dead. Elle was too driven (ha!) by material goods: yes, she failed. But if memory serves me correctly she had no use for snake venom, she required a large dose of guide dog. I don't think we actually saw her get bitten - she never got crossed off the hit list. Perhaps my blind warrior cliche will come to reality?

    1. The Police: Your knowledge of asian cinema, the yakuza, and tarantino is atrocious! Police could have been useful, but only to add to the body count. Again this is a different world - one where swords of quality are (quite rightly) allowed as carry-on luggage for international flights. Second of all, in Japan, the yakuza ARE the policing body. They run that motherphuka. What? Respond to their own massacre? Don't think so. And of course she has time to chill post slaughter: one must reel in the calm post-storm in such as situation, be happy with their accomplishment.

    In short, this was five awesome fails of ye old clever bitch. Less booze more snooze me thinks is the answer. In addition Kill Bill is a movie that is close to flawless (yes even volume 2 and i can't wait for 3!) Any lover of the asian cinema, shaw brothers, kurosawa, etc etc etc would/should feel the same.

  3. Chill mate! I loved the film too - enough to bother writing a joke article about it. Of course all the fails were obvious plot devices. That's why it's so f-ing funny!

  4. You're not very clever at all. Steve Irwin jokes and "epic fails" how funny.

  5. Wow, anonymous. Your comment is so enlightening. Do drop by again. I'll be holding my breath for your next insightful and constructive post.