Wednesday, June 2, 2010

2010: A Vampire Odyssey Comes Full Circle

For a genre that may have seemed to have had the blood sucked out of it a long time ago, vampire films have proved a remarkable ability to evolve with the times. It's taken a few subtle and not-so-subtle turns before arriving at the present-day sorry state of affairs. (Seriously, fucking sparkling vampires?

Clearly, the best place to start would be...

Stage 1: The Monster
Nosferatu, 1922

Film was new, horror was new, there wasn't a great deal of subtlety in the industry - and yet this is one of the best vampire films ever made. (Note to Stephanie Meyer: If it ain't broke, don't fix it.)

Moving right along to...

Stage 2: The Creepy Foreigner
Dracula, 1931
Despite the fact that he seems to have a girl's name (and even though you used something close to it in Twilight, Meyer, you bitch), Bela Lugosi makes a formidable Dracula. And, let's not kid ourselves here, it plays nicely into the deep post-WWI suspicion of all things Eastern European.
Which brings us nicely along to...

Stage 3: The Even Creepier Foreigner
Dracula, 1958
In the early Cold War years, it was time to up the ante on just how creepy and threatening those Russians could be. Christopher Lee proved just the man for the job, despite being, a) British, and b) camper than a row of tents. Also, he seems to have pinkeye.
Things move along in a similar vein for while, until the world is stunned by...

Stage 4: Blacula
Blacula, 1972

By the 1970s, vampires had visited genres ranging from traditional horror to Westerns (Billy the Kid vs. Dracula - seriously), t0 pornography, and finally blaxploitation. This defies description except for the curious fact that it is the first known film to include a subplot about gay vampires.
Which sets the scene for the next incarnation...

Stage 5: The Cute Bad Boy
The Lost Boys, 1987
Problem: the genre had been flogged for decades, then finally pissed upon by the advent of far scarier movie monsters such as Alien and Freddy Krueger.
Solution: Shaggable vampires on motorbikes.
And speaking of shaggable:

Stage 6: The Sexy Super-Freak
Bram Stoker's Dracula, 1993
It's probably a good thing that this film wasn't released in the current climate, as it probably would have resulted in a barrage of horny Emo teenagers storming Gary Oldman's house and crushing him before he had a chance to make The Fifth Element. Even though in this film he tends to spontaneously fluctuate between human form and that of various monsters and demons, a new tone was set for sexy vampires. (Again, Meyer: YOU ARE NOT NEEDED HERE.)

Stage 7: The Sensitive New Age Guy
Buffy, 1997- 2003
... they went and ballsed it up. Vampires were just getting good again when someone decided to unleash a great new concept - the non-threatening vampire.
If you're not familiar with the series, the above photo depicts the vampire Angel (David Boreanaz) - who not only has a girl's name but has an awesome history of murderous and sexual mayhem. Unfortunately for the audience, he was cursed with remorse for his crimes, and resolves to be a soft-cock for the entire damned series. That is, until he finally does something vampire-like and Buffy kicks him into Hell's mouth.

However, he is nowhere near as bad as...

Terminal Stage: The Boy Band Member
Twilight series, (2008-10)
There are so many things wrong here that I don't know where to start. Suffice to say: I hate you, Stephanie Meyer.


  1. You forgot an interesting step. I'm talking about the 1964 movie “The Last Man on Earth.” Coming as a surprise, there is only one remaining man on Earth, which is now crowded by hordes of vampiric creatures with somewhat zombie-like physical aptitudes.

    Sounds familiar? Replace Vincent Price by Will Smith (via Charlton Heston), and speed up the vampires a bit see the link.

    I'm already stocking fuel and dry food.

  2. That's not his head on that body (in the last photo) is it? HE HAS NO NECK! Is this the new immunity to vampires?

  3. I think it's important to mention:

    a) BLADE

    b) INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE (sexy, erotic, sensitive)

    c) Remember the movie queen of the damned? Lestat turns into a rock star vampire!

    d) You also left out a whole sub-culture of gay/lesbian cult films

    c) HAMMER FILMS!!!!

    Stephanie Meyer can suck it!